Chronicles of an Old Loose Ashtangi

Ustrasana Lately my practice is one of the very few things that keeps me afloat. The day I cannot practice for whatever reason tends to be a bad day, and sometimes I almost feel ashamed (yes, I know it’s not okay, a nasty signal). I’ve really got to get my shits together, but it’s hard as hell. I'm getting tired of these ups-and-downs that are mostly downs, and very steep, sheer, for good measure… 

I take up practicing to replace another activity I can no longer perform, and to calm and focus my mind. At first everything is fine and I start getting a taste for it. My mind begins to focus and find some peace. Little by little all my previous injuries reappear, one in particular dating back to my college years. I find out that the practice also helps me relieve stress. Gradually my old injuries are “reabsorbed” and fixed. My physical fitness is improving noticeably. Practice also improves accordingly. External unsettling factors push stress levels up again. My mind starts being less restrainable, I feel like I’m losing my concentration and peace of mind. I lose some of the flexibility acquired in my hamstrings. An old injury to the Achilles tendon is coming back. …whatever… And the wheel of time keeps turning ⚙⏳

Leggendo e studiando con entusiasmo i libri di Cristina De Marchis . In particolare, per il mio livello di pratica, le oltre 300 pagine dedicate alla prima serie dell'Ashtanga Yoga. Consiglio caldamente l'investimento e un'attenta lettura, Grazie mille @ashtangayoga_cristina per la dedizione, l'amore e la professionalità profuse nel testo. Se la mia pratica migliorerà sarà sicuramente grazie alle tue parole 🙏😊

I have the feeling that the deepest and most intense changes nurtured by the practice are not visible to the naked eye. Thus, the part of my essence that has changed remains at times invisible to others, and even I myself sometimes struggle to perceive the extent of what is happening inside me. The contradiction here is that the essence in philosophical terms is an immutable reality, a fixed trait. So, either the philosophical framework is wrong or what actually changes is probably the heart, which, like its own beat, is volatile and unsettled by definition in order to adapt to the changing needs of life. The moral is trite: sometimes changes hurt, sometimes they soothe. Still, I gather I must witness them with great accuracy if I want to gauge them and not be overwhelmed.

Teacher is quite an abused word in many areas, branches and cultures. In yoga this misuse is widespread and pretty common to many languages. I need to be taught. I need to be guided. Am I in need of a teacher or an instructor instead? In my view a possible difference stands in a plus of ethical stance and moral strenght made available (not just owned, but offered as a part of the bond). Which means that if I really need a guidance, I should be looking for a teacher. To be clear, I am not despising instructors here, a good instructor is quite rare and can be an unexpected gift - just saying that their "mission" is different. In short, as this subject could be developed in a never-ending story, that's how I see it. An instructor gives you means and directions to achieve a goal, a teacher shows you a path to reach a destination. I may stand corrected in this if proven wrong, but I really believe this to be true. So, when I say I need a teacher, I realize that I a...

As I said, I am using short shootings with the idea of improving my current solo practice. I am working from there, building upon those clips until I find a better solution. Those are my training lab, my teaching companion, my best mate in a way. They can be useful as a visual guidance. By analyzing frame by frame where I stop entering a pose or where I cease completing a movement that is part of an asana, or its foundation, I can at least understand what is blocking me.   Then, I will clearly need a teacher again. But that's another story which requires a dedicated post. Sometime next week, perhaps.

Lately it seems that I am becoming more comfortable within seated forward bends and twists. It took me more than a year to reach this “state of grace”. Next step is trying to go deeper.   In order to understand how far I can go, last weekend I shot a short video of a few poses of my practice in a secluded corner of the school, trying not to disturb a concurrent Yin Yoga masterclass led by @yogapremschool These pics are from that video.   The soundtrack is Decibel’s “Contessa” (1980). Love that atypical ska-punk sound and Enrico Ruggeri’s sarcastic text alike. They both fit perfectly with my current feelings.

Paschimottanasa is said to calm the mind, to help relieving stress and anxiety, as well as to reduce fatigue. This seated forward bend used to be a difficult and "suffered" pose for my hamstrings and back. Still difficult, but now not that suffered anymore.

I have lost track, but I think that in the last 4 months I have been practicing at least 5 days a week, when it has not been 6.   Getting up early is not a burden, sometimes there’s some fatigue, and something is always aching somewhere, but what is never lacking is my desire and eagerness to unroll the mat. I wouldn't call it resolve or feeling, actually I don't know what to call it, but it's something that makes me happy.

God willing in August I would like to be practicing again in a shala. Hope I can make it possible and leave expectations at home. So, back to the animal house? I should be throwing a toga party.

ūrdhva dhanurāsana I am learning the hard way that the practice by itself doesn't change anything within if you don't commit all yourself to grab whatever is coming. It's understandable that a leap forward in your physical practice doesn't go hand in hand with an inner improvement, but when you notice signs of worsening in certain areas, that's frustrating. I am in need of a steadier mind and a bit of inner harmony and that's exactly where I am slipping back. Not funny at all. But, what is it? A lack of honesty? A shortage of intent? A wrong perspective? Or just an overstressed mind? And: how to fix it? Maybe through some serious karma yoga in order to stop being foremost on my thoughts?

Using jazz as an occasional soundtrack for the practice can be quite captivating. Excluding trumpet, too cold and shouty (as much as I admire certain trumpeters, like Roy Eldridge and the "banished" Donald Byrd), and excluding piano as well, too sleepy or too acid, I would go for warmer sounds like sax, cello, guitar/bass and drums. I would also exclude voice, as I find it distracting, though there are some vocalists, particularly female voices, I simply adore. Dealing with genres would require an extremely long post so better let it go. As for artists, just a few names. For example Stan Gets and Lester Joung, Ray Brown and Ben Ezra (though not exactly a jazz player), Franco Cerri and Django Reinhardt, Peter Erskine (does Weather Report ring a bell?), Joe Morello and Gene Krupa. That would be my choice today. Maybe I’m too simplistic… don’t know. Ah, and for Savasana obviously Paul Desmond's (with The Dave Brubeck Quartet) "Take Five" 😎🎷 Happy list...

Padmāsana At times I can be somehow intolerant of myself and others. I wonder whether the practice is at all helping me in overcoming this flaw. "Holy tolerance!" was the mantra a dear friend and college classmate used to repeat over and over. It escorted him in his endurance of a very intense and exuberant inner life, though lived with uneasiness and often bitterness towards the outer world. I believe that all that forced tolerance mixed with bitterness led him to suffer more than necessary and was partly the cause of his afflictions. I also believe that I never told him how much I cared for him, even from afar.

That's me observing the eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt rest after thy doings." Never got sleepy at the end of the practice? There are days when I would sleep all along until the next practice.

Utthita hasta pādāṅguṣṭāsana I am aware that having started all this while already counting backwards, some asanas are likely to be impossible or very tough. What I am not willing to accept is me using my age as an excuse and thus get used to the idea of not being able, just to take cover behind the shield of "I will never get there, so what's the point of making all those efforts?" I’d rather quit my practice right now than start thinking like this.

  A miserable attemp of mirroring the elegance and armony of sound into the worldly movements of the body. (4x speed due to Instagram's length restrictions 🤷‍♂️) Carving a cartoonized sun salutation with the backing of the great 'Bird'. Today is Charlie Parker, tomorrow maybe Chick Corea, Thelonious Monk, Chet Baker or 'Django’ Reinhardt. You name it. Music and Ashtanga - two big supports to my mental balance.

Jumping back and through The gifts from a couple of troubled nights are nerves, reluctance and a stiff and sore body. So only standing poses. But then at the end, my muscles a bit looser, why don't have some extra fun? Just a few exercises to learn how to jump back and through with more grace than a drunk elephant, walrus or whatever… Of course there’s still much to be done. But that’s a start.

I have often said I am fine with my solo practice. That’s still true but, to be honest, there is a major drawback in it - I have no guidance, I lost connection with my teacher and that is something that hurts and can hurt. No one is there to correct my defects while I am practicing. Yeah, in this pic I'm touching my fingers and almost clasping my hands, something unthinkable only a few months ago; but nobody is warning me that I am also bending my back and not completing the twist of the head. So I have to shoot videos just to know what I am actually doing… a poor and time-consuming solution, but it is what it is. In the meantime, I try and improve at least where I understand I can make a difference.

Up! Up! In my daily practice I am working on many fronts – almost all my postures need refining, which means that every day I have to decide to expend most of my energies on only a small cluster of asanas, as it is currently impossible for me to evenly share my physical and mental stamina throughout the series trying to advance on every single pose. But there is always that one pose where you strive most to improve, no matter what. In my case, it’s Sirsasana. I’m trying, trying and trying again… and now it seems that my back has finally learnt how to stay straight. It's about time! Next step is to complete the headstand by unfolding my legs and keeping them straight up and balanced. And then going into Urdhva Dandasana. Next month? This year? This life? 😊

Parivrtta Parsvakonasana I never had any problem in staying alone, I actually enjoy being with myself. I do not reject company, at all, but do not seek it at all costs, either. So, I have never seen company as a necessity, but mostly as an option. That said, for me a solo practice is usually totally fine and relaxing - I might say more challenging and rewarding than practicing along with other people. As for the energy sharing facet... maybe a mutual exchange happening between my body and the natural daylight is enough. And a new flower on that cactus right in front of me, knowing that it may only blossom once in a long while, has the same power and magic of a person's smile.